Bigfoot in the Bayou

Bigfoot in the Bayou– The grey matter from my brain leaked on to the keyboard, boy did it ever make a mess, as your about to read. 

So sorry, you won’t be able to unread it.

Another strange tail from that wack job Rex.

Well now, that was a close one, I was sure I was going to get me proof positive, beyond shadow of a doubt, that Bigfoot existed this time, real DNA evidence! I was determined to not go home without it.

Through one of my contacts, I had heard where I might maybe could find me a real live walking talking Bigfoot hiding spot.

So here I was down in the bayou, way, way back in there probably a few hundred miles, I was nose deep in this brackish, super slimy, stinky water, cottonmouth snakes slithering all around, trying to sneak up on Bigfoot, when this big ole gator just wouldn’t leave me alone. He kept getting a lil to close for me comfort, a couple of smacks on his nose he’d back off then come back, he just kept pestering me. So’s I telled him if he don’t leave me alone he’ll regret it.

Well, he came at me agin, licking his lips, his teeth all shiny, the sun was reflecting off this one big long one, I could hardly believe my eyes it was a gold tooth, yup, you heard me right, that there gator had himself a gold tooth, that thing was about 3 inches long, tooo. I couldn’t see it very good at the time, the reflection darn near blinded me, but I’m sure it had a design in it. I was after me a Bigfoot and didn’t have time for any of his shenaniganz so I gives him a real hard smack that I’m sure had him seeing double for a while, I’ll bet.

That smack must have riled him up a lil because all of a sudden that gator came at me right real fast, his big ole, 4 ft long, jaws snapping away, his mouth must have been about 5ft tall with his jaws open wide. Real quick like I whipped out my trusty, just 4 payments of $39,99, Bigfoot pocket knife, yea, it’s shaped like a Bigfoot’s foot, and each toe is a different blade, they bill it as a blade for any occasion, well any way I whipped out that sucker, the biggest blade being a full 18 inches long, Bigfoot’s actual foot size, guaranteed or your money back.

Now, where was I? Oh yea, I whipped out my pocket knife and jumped on his back and we had us a most powerful tussle. We fought and fought he would roll over and over then bend his head around trying to get a bite of me, we must have swam and fought for a couple of miles before I finally got the better of him.

Looking around, there didn’t seem to be any dry ground around so I drug that big guy over to this somewhat higher spot. The snakes weren’t to happy with me but I just ignored them.

Setting there resting a bit and my stomach starts rumbling, it seems all that work wrestling that critter done went and made me plumb hungry, so I skinned out that big guy, he measured 27 ft 6 and 63/64th of an inch.

Out of one of my back pockets I pulled out my instant fire which contained matches 25 sticks of wood, rocks to make a fire ring and a big bundle of kindling. It’s a good thing I had that with me cause all the wood around was soaking wet.

From my other back pocket I whipped out my collapsible 10 gallon copper cooking pot and tripod. This time, being the forward thinker I is, I even packed me some instant gator stew seasoning, just add fresh gator. Well now that was some of the best gator I ever did eat let me tell you he was plumb delicious.

For dessert I had some deep fried gator toenails. What’s that you say, you’ve never had them…….. well, I just… All I can say is you ain’t eat until you’ve had a big ole batch of deep fried gator toenails, now, I like them much better than sweet pickled opossum tongues and let me tell you that’s some good eats there too.

After I ate, I pried out that gold tooth and sure enough it had a design of a dancing gator in a ballet tutu and slippers doing a pirouette on it and on the other side it said Bigfoot dentistry for all your orthodontist needs just ask your nearest Bigfoot for directions to our state of the art lab.

With my solar powered drill press I drilled a hole in that gold tooth and hung it around my neck as a trophy.

With my belly about to bust it was time for me to get back to the hunt, taking out my powerful Bigfoot binoculars I spotted a promising looking island way off in the distance so back in the water I went, only this time I had me a camouflage. I had me that big ole gator skin.

Real slow like I made my way out to that mysterious looking island. The island wasn’t listed in my Bigfoot location guide so’s I knowed I was on to something big. Long about dark the next day I made it to the island.

Laying there in the water, I’m sure I looked just like a big gator. I was watching and after a few hours these 4 Bigfoots walked up, they stood there, I could tell they were just shooting the bull, I don’t speak Bigfoot so I didn’t understand anything. This one preppy looking dude whips out this comb and starts combing his hair. They start walking off and Mr. Preppy goes to slip his comb back in his hidden pocket only he misses the pocket and drops the comb, only he don’t realize it. As they walk away I’m sure they’re laughing, I remember thinking what they thought was so funny.

I wait a few minutes to see if Mr. Preppy, thats the name I gave him obviously, was going to come back for his comb. He didn’t so real slow like I reached out and picked up the comb and with industrial strength rubber cloves on, it was just full of his hair, with shaking hands, I couldn’t believe me luck, I picked up the comb and slipped it onto my Official Bigfoot evidence bag and sealed it up real tight.

It took me about 6 weeks to make it back to the jeep where I climbed the ladder and got in, I remember thinking I have you this time Bigfoot.

At home, I was so giddy and excited, my hands were shaking so bad, it took me 3 try’s to get the evidence bag in the postage prepaid envelope addressed to the Bigfoot Confirmation Labatories, located in Bigfoot RI. After years and years of searching I Finally had my proof!

There must have been 50 people in line at the post office where I hand delivered the 36 x 36 inch envelope to the postal clerk, ain’t no way I was just going to put such an important package in my mail box.

The weeks went buy and I was beginning to have some serious concerns that my package was LOST in the mail. The worry I had, I had this big long ware spot on the rug where I walked back and fourth so much.

Then one day the doorbell rang, the Bigfoot delivery service had me sign 3 separate forms and show notably me Bigfoot hunting license and my drivers license along with my passport, they even took my picture holding up the letter as proof as delivery. These guys were serious.

With my Bigfoot pocket knife I carefully slit open the envelope.Then my heart hit the floor I couldn’t believe what I was reading. We regret to inform you that, on your 75th and most current evidence submission, there is NO DNA evidence in the samples you supplied. The hairs are synthetic. It seems as if you have been out smarted again. Set up. Don’t fret, your not the first Bigfoot hunter to fall for this ruse, we have had multiple submissions from all over the globe, with the same results. Don’t tells us let us guess, your sure the Bigfoot was laughing as he walked away.

Foiled again.

The End